This weekend was quiet….got some errands run, food on the shelves and some other things. And in the process, got a couple bits of reality thrown in, one of which is a little glimpse of mortality of sorts…so it was off and on….
For one…the cats do have their moment, their 15 minutes of fame even though it is closer to 4:00. Rachel and Marissa have put up with my putting together other vids,the purpose of 95% of those has been mentioned before, the latest version with its message being the title of same . Hence I had to make something which tells the world that emotionally there are two others who mean quite a bit more to me than all the little electronic toys I have here. Hey, those little things actually do help to maintain the sanity but they are tools…a means to an end. While I do get happy that they work in sync with my PC’s or that the cameras are making my visage
[Yes see this little level of vanity to the left<-] a little better [ok the cameras and a whole slew of chemicals LOL], but that happiness is kinda fleeting. Rachel and Marissa help make this place a home, make me stay level and are two thirds of what helps me to wake up every day. As for the other third, the one who I am smitten with, while communiques of sorts may be intermittent and may seem like a Socratic dialogue from this desk, the fact that something does exist, however tenuous and as thin as a cable made from carbon fibre..the fact that these are present does allow for some life, some feeling beyond the emotional lift from those little trips and errands. The ones to the docs, to Target for the meds, to Kroger etc for provisions and yes those tech calls to my clients. There is joy in doing those because of being outside of the home, but it is not the elation that could happen otherwise.
Speaking of the docs, this weekend I completed that chapter of War and Peace which was the form for the nephrologist office. The peace and quiet, however temporary here allowed me to finish this and realize ‘gee freaking whiz…I am screwed’. It is not so much the insurance issue, it was looking at the background, those little family details. On another blog, I have mentioned the initial illness here and the treatment for same – sacoidosis and prednisone – and well of all the crazy things, something one of the doctors who treated me at the time said is coming back, not to haunt me…but it was a friendly set of warnings. Those were about the side effects and other items that would happen over the rest of life. Now I am not asking for nor soliciting a pity party here…that is not the case. What is being said is that through some incredible major mistakes – some mine, some otherwise – that led to the situation that I am in now. While there have been changes to the diet, excercise and the mental state, those cannot stave off some things which have been damaged. Hence when I reviewed my answers to that form, I just shook the head and said to the cats….we’ve got trouble and it is not with a capital ‘T’. Now it could be just a change in the meds, but with my luck, it could end up being something where I may end up making more trips there to that clinic than I do to Walgreen’s for cosmetics when they are on sale.
Well like AC360, this comes back to the beginning, the fact that this was a long weekend. The fact there was some good, some different, some a little earthshattering. A couple closing thoughts here: for those who I have talked to recently about life and other fun things - remember that humans for some reason have started to deevolve, moreso than in the past and decent folks who are out there are far and few between. Something about the new pack mentality that causes folks to disrespect or leave those folks who are not seen or considered to be in the ballpark of being alphas are left behind. It is not nor will be it be your fault that this happens. The ones who actually are decent, trustworthy and all those values that for some reason are considered to be ‘quaint’ do exist. This and they will become apparent in their own/your own time.
As for the second thought: at some point I do hope what I say to others does come true in my own existence. Living with Rachel and Marissa helps, after all there are very few folks I would want to watch NOVA or House or NFL game or MLB Baseball or listen to Renaissance/Moody Blues/Charlie Parker with. But even thy understand that their mom does have a need fot human companionship and the cats know who the heart belongs to in that vein and nature. Even though I do try to rationalize and be patient in the hope of that one day chat, every couple nights or so, when I see the first star of the evening, there is a silent prayer that is said. One that wishes for this heart to be with the one who it longs for. Unlike those who seem to see romance as being something that is a quick fix, like going to A & W for some fried cheese curds, yours truly does not see it like that. If I did, that would not be me and the cats would have left a long time ago. So here is hoping….